The Over Explainer Over Explains

Hi my name is Abbey and I am an over explainer. Ask anyone who knows me and they nod in agreement, in the face of being misunderstood I will explain myself till I pass out from oxygen deprivation. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, no one is, so I’m okay being disliked, but I absolutely shrivel at being disliked for made up reasons. Likewise I can handle it if you think I’m wrong but I absolutely can NOT handle it if you think *I* think I’m wrong. A lot of therapy has helped me understand the ways that this is a defense mechanism and a response to traumatic dynamics I’d been part of. I had to learn that I was trying to protect myself from abuse by making myself understood because so much of that abuse was justified by the person abusing me creating and then buying into their own narrative of situations and interactions we’d had. I had to confront that I intrinsically believed that if I could just make them understand me they wouldn’t hurt me like that, if I could just make them understand me they would love me the way they were supposed to. My therapist held my hand as I cried and asked me what I would do differently in my life if that need for protection didn’t exist in me and I’ve never stopped thinking about that question.

Getting on TikTok back in 2019 went a long way for me in terms of releasing the need to be understood, it was like immersion therapy! In the beginning I fought with every person who came into my comments baiting me to fight, and I’m not going to lie to you, it was often a lot of fun! But over time I realized that I simply didn’t care what any of those faceless, nameless trolls thought of me. I didn’t care if they misunderstood me, I didn’t even care if they believed that I myself thought I was wrong. I just wanted to say what I had to say and if I wanted to argue with someone’s point I would but I stopped over explaining. I stopped trying to be understood by people who didn’t show an interest in understanding me.

As TikTok exploded and my own platform grew and people started finding me on other apps and even in real life I started to feel the weight of that freedom. I wasn’t ready yet to exhibit that sort of unbridled “fuck if I care” attitude. There were too many people I didn’t want to misunderstand me, there were too many people (people I loved dearly) who I was still trying to talk into loving me the way I hoped they one day would.

Maybe it’s the after effects of years spent in spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of the pastor couple my partner and I served under, maybe it’s the global pandemic that ravaged most of our lives, maybe it’s the death of my mother, or maybe it’s the realization that some people will never see you clearly, they will always hold you to a lie they believed or to their own warped perceptions (that are entirely about them and have nothing to do with you), they will always choose to misunderstand you because it backs their own agenda, feelings, or loyalties and no amount of over explaining can change it. Whatever the catalyst, I woke up in 2024 and realized that I want to be done over explaining, I want to be done trying to contextualize my life and my choices for people who are just going to misunderstand, mischaracterize, and ultimately judge them no matter what. Im done over explaining to people who have no interest in understanding me.

In 2024 I officially retire from giving a fuck, and from here on out the only understanding I care about is my own, my understanding of myself, of my relationships, of my actions and intentions and my understanding of the impact I’m having on the world around me.

I was told for most of my life that I couldn’t lean on my own understanding, but I’ve decided that my own understanding deserves some time in the sun. Maybe yours does too.

And yes, I know I over explained how I’m not going to over explain anymore, but it wasn’t the same thing! I just also happen to be wordy.