This isn't going to be long, mostly because I am stressed and tired and overwhelmed.
Today we took my car to get the front two quick strut assemblies replaced. Only it turns out it's going to be about $1000 more expensive than we were anticipating. This cost jump means a lot for us because, forgetting for a moment that we don't have the money to do that at the moment, it's simply not worth it. The car has sort of been sucking money from me for a while now and we both sort of feel like why put another $1400+ into it when so much keeps going wrong with it and for double that we could get a decent used car. We took my car home and are currently waiting because if we don't have $1400 to fix my car, we certainly don't have $3000 to get a new(ish) one.
It's entirely stressful and incredibly overwhelming. But not just because of the car. The issues with the car and the stress over what this means for me and my little family are kind of icing on the cake-o-pain. It's been a very long difficult year with far more downs than ups. It's been a defining year, the kind of time in your life that makes you wake up realizing that the buck stops with you. You're the grown up. But more than that, it's been the kind divisive, painful year that makes you feel a little orphaned. And that's a lot of reality to face (especially with the pregnancy hormones, haha). I love my husband, and I'm excited about our family and the baby. I can't wait to pass on traditions and start our own. But a big part of why I can't wait to create this family is because this has been the kind of year that makes me feel like I don't have one.
I'm not trying to hurt anyone in my family. But I don't think anyone in my family would disagree with me when I say that at this moment we are still mid painful transition. We don't look like a family. I'm not saying we never will again or that we won't figure it out and come out the other side of all this, or that I don't love anyone in my family, or know that they love me. But right now I could use somewhere to turn, a family environment to feel safe in, to yes, feel like the kid in. And at the moment that just doesn't exist. Which makes something as truly inconsequential as needing a car way, way more stressful (again, the hormones don't help, hah).
I've been on youtube all morning listening to various worship songs trying to find to get some peace and perspective and feel comfort. I ran across a newer version of an old song called "I Exalt Thee". As I was listening to it I started thinking about how so often we use worship for ourselves, we use it to comfort and console our own hearts. And there's nothing really wrong with that, the Lord wants to comfort us and to be our solace and give us peace. But I started wondering how often I turn to worship just as earnestly simply to exalt God, with no intention of getting something out of it for me. The answer made me feel pretty lame. I played the song over and over and just listened to it for a long time, trying to focus on exalting the Lord. Because I don't ever want to be someone who only uses God as a kleenex box or a teddy bear. I want to exalt the Lord. I want to be someone who praises God simply so he knows I am thinking about Him, appreciating Him and His creation and all He has done.
Interestingly enough after I spent some time singing this simple song, this straightforward message of adoration and appreciation, I did feel solace.